I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
