Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
