just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
4 words: hood of his car
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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