and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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