so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize