So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
