Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
