out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
