you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
