So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You dont lie about slip and slides
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
