I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
