just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
