He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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