I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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