Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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