Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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