hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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