just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
