There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
