you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
