Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize