I'm going to rape someone's good day.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
