You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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