I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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