I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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