My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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