smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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