I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
