Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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