Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
