remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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