I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
