this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
