Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
