He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
