and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Vodka?
Forever.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
