I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize