So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
