What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
