so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
