As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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