Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
