My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
