my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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