today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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