Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
