i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
