I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize