I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
