If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
