You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
