Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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