I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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