Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
